8 Reasons NOT to Get Healthy!

 

When you’ve had enough of your friends and family acting like you’re some kind of freaky fanatic or that you’ve joined a cult and have been brainwashed because you work at getting and staying healthy, here’s a great way to send them a humorous message. Number 4 will hit ’em where it hurts!

 

Top 8 Reasons NOT to Get Healthy

 

If you’ve been looking for the best excuses..ahem, excuse me…’reasons’ not to get healthy and visit your local holistic doctor, nutritionist or naturopath, I’ve put together a handy list of eight of them for you!

 

  1. You don’t have a body. If you were born sans a body, then there’s really no worry about degenerative disease prevention, is there? Perhaps you should be on the lookout for the local Ghostbusters team instead.
  2. If you can’t see it, obviously it’s not there, Duh! Skin, hair, eyes, teeth, nails…these front-facing and vanity body parts are far more important because other people can see them and think you’re beautiful…or not! If having a healthy liver, kidneys, heart, reproductive organs or brain was really that important, obviously God wouldn’t have hid them when designing the human body. And He would have made them prettier!
  3. You simply love taking medications. It’s sort of a trendy status symbolAfter all, variety is said to be the spice of life. And taking 20 different colored and shaped pills is especially rewarding. Not to mention the side effects each one and then the combination of all can create…it’s sort of a smorgasbord of spicy variety! Plus, you get the real excitement of taking death defying risks every day. Dizziness, headaches, seizure, dry mouth, suicide, constipation, cancer and just plain-Jane death…Well, what’s not to like?
  4. Your insurance or Obama doesn’t pay for it. Who doesn’t admit that money is for the really important stuff like Netflix, the latest video game for the kids, online gambling, $300 designer jeans, that $500 Coach, the newest iPhone or iPad, bi-monthly mani and pedi’s, $150 monthly hair dying/do, not to mention the $100’s of dollars spent on sodas, pizza, ice cream, cookies, Starbucks Lattes, and cakes every month…so obviously, maybe if your insurance doesn’t cover it, holistic care just isn’t necessary?
  5. They don’t prescribe drugs. Why would you want to go to a health practitioner who doesn’t think you need another drug? (See #3)  Geez, even your local Cartel King Pin thinks you do…like, really!
  6. They think lifestyle ‘stress’ can make you sick. Obviously, these holistic professionals aren’t aware of bad genes. Everybody, even Angelina Jolie, knows you only get sick because certain diseases just run in the family. Poor me…where’s my pizza?
  7. They expect you to do stuff to get well. This is simply a retarded idea. No good medical doctor ever wants you to do anything other than just take more drugs or get cut and burned. These crazy people want you to do stuff like stress reduction techniques, food dairies, moderate exercise. And on top of all that…these pod-people want you to change your diet! Evidently, they couldn’t possibly understand just how busy you are and that your situation is more special than anyone else on Earth…
  8. Besides, you’re impervious to any mistakes. You eat just fine, thank you very much! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you’re living and the habits you have.  Even if those habits are making you gain weight, robbing you of energy and making you age so prematurely that even though you’re only 40, when you look in the mirror you think time may have fast-forwarded and you’re really 55…well, that’s none of the nutritionist’s business! No sirree! Their job is to get you out of the pain or into the jeans you want so you can just go right back to doing the things that brought you there in the first place. Like all true Americans!

 

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